May the force be with you - or the perils of shopping for McGee!
by ytteb
Summary: Tony is looking forward to a wonderful weekend with Celeste ... but when did things ever go to plan? Whole team involved, very reluctantly involved in some cases. More nonsense.


Tony scowled as he put his cell phone back in his pocket. His perfect weekend had just crumbled a bit more.

It had already been getting off to a late start. He had meant to be meeting up with Celeste the night before for an evening of … well, he had described her flexibility, sense of adventure and lack of inhibitions in minute detail to a McGee who had listened despite feeling that he was losing his innocence just by listening. "But, Probie," he had drawled, "What can you expect from someone who practises _extreme_ yoga?" McGee didn't know but he thought it was something he wouldn't want to tell his mom about.

The evening of unbridled suppleness had failed to materialise, however, due to an inconsiderate petty officer who had managed to get robbed on the evening of his daughter's eighth birthday party. There was no way that Gibbs, and therefore his team, was not going to bust every gut, break down every door, expend every last effort to get little Susie a happy ending. Susie's happy grin when Team Gibbs had retrieved her missing birthday present was, DiNozzo admitted, heart-warming but he still felt a pang at missing Celeste.

Celeste had been very understanding and, after all, she pointed out, they had the whole of Saturday and Sunday in which to indulge themselves. Tony had comforted himself with that thought as he tumbled, alone, into his bed.

The comfort had dissipated ten minutes before he was due to pick her up when he got an apologetic phone call to say she had been called into work for a few hours.

Tony had been sweet and philosophical to Celeste,

"Hey, I cancelled on you last night. I understand," he had said while all the time cursing his bad luck. He'd never thought of Celeste has being someone who had work emergencies to deal with. "We'll meet up for lunch," he promised smoothly, "we'll go to that riverside café. Ciao."

Tony was rarely at a loss but now he wondered what to do with his spare three hours. There was a movie house nearby, perhaps he could catch a movie and eat some popcorn. Movies and popcorn were almost guaranteed to cheer Tony up and he decided to make the best of it and go see what was on offer.

He smiled as he walked along and thought of how McGee had blushed the night before when he was describing Celeste to the Probie. When he reached the movie theatre he wondered if Fate was playing a hand in making him think about McGee: the hotel next door had a huge display board proclaiming that it was hosting a Sci-Fi convention that day.

Tony considered. McGee's birthday was coming up and he hadn't bought him a gift yet. He had been thinking about an illustrated Kama Sutra or some sort of inflatable doll to stimulate Tim's imagination but now he wondered if he might find something which McGee would actually _like_ at the Sci-Fi convention.

Noticing that the movie theatre was running a cuddly-moms' morning of movies, Tony decided to sacrifice himself on the altar of McGee's birthday and went, slightly furtively, into the convention. He refused the offer of a free loan of a Star Wars costume even though it meant he had to pay five dollars entrance fee. Someone dressed as Luke Skywalker handed him a paper sack, decorated with a picture of Obi wan Kenobi, in which to carry the various freebies he would be able to collect. The first thing Tony picked up was a cookie in the shape of Hans Solo's spaceship; McGee's birthday was very close and he thought it might last till then and would be a thoughtful, and free, gift.

Tony's eye was caught by a sign which read, 'Collectibles at rock bottom prices' and he hurried over. He was already down five dollars so he needed to find something cheap to buy. He was delighted to see a tray of Star Wars key rings. Tony had known lots of people, well two, who collected key rings and he thought that McGee would like to start a collection too. He hesitated between a tiny Darth Vader and miniature Chewbacca and then, in a burst of generosity, bought both. Tony thought he wouldn't need to tell Tim that they were on offer, 'buy one, get one free'. He might even save one for Christmas. Tony felt a glow of pleasure at the thought of having started his Christmas shopping already, he popped the two key rings into his sack and continued walking round the stalls.

Tony pored over pens in the shape of light sabres – which made an odd noise at the beginning of each sentence – and tried to picture Gibbs' reaction if McGee used one in the office. He regretfully put them back; he was fond of his Probie after all and didn't want Gibbs to ram it down his unsuspecting throat. He almost wished he exchanged gifts with the Director; he could imagine Vance as a closet Sci-Fi geek. Tony's thoughts were interrupted by a round of applause. He looked round and saw that a parade of Star Wars characters was beginning.

The gold robot and the little cute one on wheels (the names of which Tony would not admit to knowing) led the way, followed by Luke and Hans lookalikes. Obi wan Kenobi walked by humbly followed by Princess Leia. Tony lost himself in a reverie for a few moments but then reminded himself that he would soon be meeting the delectable Celeste for lunch, and much more. He had no need to fantasise over the Princess.

Bringing up the rear of the procession were Darth Vader and Chewbacca. The applause for these two was a little muted: they were both impressive in stature as they stood at well over six and a half feet. Tony, using his crime scene sketch skills, put Darth Vader at six foot seven and two hundred and fifty pounds, Chewbacca was six foot nine and weighed in at two hundred and ninety pounds. So, physically, they looked the part but the costumes were a bit lack lustre and didn't fit. Darth Vader seemed to have a bad case of in-toeing which prevented him from walking with a menacing air.

Something stirred in the recesses of Tony's mind. Those measurements he had come up with sounded familiar and then he remembered the BOLOs that had come in the night before. Sid and Clement Johnson, wanted for a series of violent robberies in the Mid West were thought to have been moving eastwards and, now Tony, thought they had arrived in a galaxy not far enough away. Tony considered his options and noticed, almost for the first time, that there were a lot of excited children running round the exhibition space.

Tony moved to keep an eye on the huge pair, not difficult as they towered over everyone else. He pulled out his cell and dialled #1. Gibbs didn't answer so Tony went for #2.

"McGee," came the reply, "Tony, please don't tell me what you and Celeste are doing right now. I've only just scrubbed my mind clean from the last time."

Tony laughed a satisfied laugh.

"Not this time, McGee. I need some help arresting Chewbacca and Darth Vader."

"What?" said McGee, "OK, you can tell me about Celeste. I'm sure Ducky will be able to help with counselling."

"I'm at the Sci-Fi convention in the LaBelle Hotel on North Carolina Ave."

"Tony, how much of Susie's birthday cake did you eat last night?" asked McGee.

"Same as you, Tim," said a puzzled Tony, "but I ate the sprinkles. Why?"

"I thought that cake was too orange. Don't you know the dangers of orange food colouring?"

"For _children_, McGee," said Tony, "not big bad federal agents," but a worried edge had crept into his voice.

"It causes manic behaviour, and can cause hallucinations," said McGee earnestly, "I think you should see Ducky. Or, oh God, is it something you've been doing with Celeste that's done this? Have you been oxygen deprived? Oh, I don't want to know … but perhaps I should."

"McGee!" snapped Tony, "I'm not under the influence of anything and I haven't seen the lovely Celeste yet. I came to the convention because … well, for a very good reason. And Sid and Clement Johnson are here, disguised as Chewbacca and Darth Vader."

"Which is which?" asked McGee.

"Does it matter?" demanded Tony.

"I guess not. Are you sure it's them?"

"How many other people do you know who are six foot seven and two hundred and fifty pounds, and six foot nine and two hundred and ninety pounds and go round together?" hissed Tony.

"Are you sure that's what they are?"

"When was the last time I got someone's height and weight wrong?" asked Tony.

"Well, that was that time with Ziva …" reminisced Tim.

"That was a joke!" said Tony curtly, "admittedly an ill-advised one for which I paid a severe penalty, but it was a joke. Now, are you going to get down here and help me or not?"

"I suppose so," said McGee with a touch of reluctance, "is the Convention a good one?"

"McGee!" said Tony in a voice which contained a remarkable amount of venom considering it was pitched so low, "what makes you think I have any experience to judge whether it's a good one or not?"

"Right. Of course," said McGee, "I'm on my way. I'll call Gibbs as well."

"I've already tried," said Tony, "he didn't pick up."

"He's at Abby's, sanding her coffin," said Tim, "I'll call him there."

"Good," said Tony, "come quietly. Lots of kids here, we don't want anything going wrong. I'll keep our friends in sight."

NCISNCIS

Gibbs and McGee arrived at the Convention to find a commotion going on. Darth Vader had his arm round Tony's throat as he held him three inches off the ground. Darth was being both simultaneously booed and cheered by the crowd around them. McGee guessed that he was being booed for being a villain and cheered for being so Darth Vaderish; his costume and posture might be lacking but his deeds were making up a lot of deficiencies. Chewbacca was playing his part in thrusting people away as his brother, still clutching a red faced Tony, backed out of the room.

Gibbs signalled to McGee to follow them while he edged round the crowd to try and get behind the monstrous duo.

Tony wished that McGee hadn't mentioned oxygen deprivation as that was what he was suffering from now. He had been keeping close to the Johnsons when an inquisitive child had irritated Darth Vader by tugging on his cloak and demanding that he breathe over her. Tony saw the hand raised to cuff the little girl and had leapt forward to prevent the blow falling.

"Federal agent," he had said, "Stay where you are … er … Vader and Chewbacca!"

The crowd had laughed and Vader had moved with unexpected speed to grab DiNozzo. The costume seemed to include some padding which prevented Tony's kicks and punches from having any real effect. He was beginning to lose consciousness when he spotted Gibbs and McGee arrive and that gave him a burst of energy. Vader dragged him past a stall and Tony managed to grab something from the display. The crowd cheered again as Tony whacked his captor over the head with a light sabre. Darth dropped Tony with a howl of pain but Chewbacca simply picked Tony up and began to squeeze his ribs.

Tony groaned and tried to kick free but Chewie was even stronger than his brother.

"Federal agent!" roared McGee as he stood in front of Tony and his captors.

"You won't shoot," came the distorted voice of Darth, "you won't risk hitting him."

McGee stood his ground, staring levelly at the brothers along the barrel of his gun, "Let him go," he ordered.

Chewbacca simply shifted slightly to move Tony more in front of both him and his brother but then looked a bit puzzled as McGee smiled. An unpleasant smile. Then he felt something in the small of his back,

"My agent told him to let him go," said Gibbs grimly.

Chewbacca seemed to deflate and he let Tony tumble to the ground. McGee and Gibbs handcuffed the brothers as quickly as possible and then hurried to where Tony was lying face upward on the ground.

"The force was with you," he gasped and then passed out.

NCISNCIS

Abby, McGee, Palmer and Gibbs were waiting in the Emergency Room where they had brought Tony. Ducky had disappeared to see what was happening.

"I called Celeste," said Abby, "I thought she would want to know."

"How'd you know how to contact her?" asked Gibbs.

"Um, I lifted Tony's cell," admitted Abby, "and found her number."

"What she say?" asked Palmer.

"She's coming right over," said Abby, "she sounded really worried."

McGee found himself blushing at the thought of meeting Celeste, part of him wanted to run (preferably towards a cold shower) and the other part couldn't wait to meet the legend.

Ducky came out before McGee could decide whether or not to run.

"All well," he pronounced, "he was lucky. A few seconds longer and Mr Johnson might well have cracked some of Anthony's ribs. He would have been like a proverbial walnut, cracked and smashed to smithereens."

"Ducky," wailed the susceptible Abby, "please don't"

"I'm sorry, my dear," said Ducky, "I got a bit carried away in my admiration of Mr Johnson's animal strength. It reminded me of the strong man who used to give displays in my village at home. He was …"

"Nother time, Duck," suggested Gibbs with a nod to a tearful Abby.

"Quite right, Jethro, quite right," said Ducky apologetically. "Anyway, as I was saying, Anthony is remarkably unscathed. He will have some bruises and may have a little difficulty in breathing deeply but he'll soon bounce back."

"Guess he'll have to cancel his date with Celeste," said McGee.

"Oh, he'll be so disappointed," said a compassionate Abby but with a twinkle in her eye, "but he won't have enough energy."

"Not for _extreme yoga_," chuckled Jimmy and then tried to look innocent when Ducky glared at him.

"I was told I could find Agent DiNozzo here," came a silky voice from the door.

Five pairs of eyes swivelled round to look at the owner of the voice and five mouths dropped open when they saw her.

"I'm Celeste, can you tell me how Tony is?"

"You're Celeste?" squeaked McGee.

"That's right, and let me guess. You're Tim," said Celeste holding out her hand, "Tony said your voice hadn't broken yet."

McGee shook her hand limply and she continued to gaze at Tony's co-workers.

"And you must be Abby," she said with a smile, "you must tell me where you buy your boots."

Abby nodded, "I I I'd be glad to."

"And this is Jimmy?" asked Celeste, "Tony has told me so much about your dancing sessions."

Jimmy wriggled in embarrassment and sheer happiness.

"Dr Mallard," she continued, "it is a great pleasure to meet you at last. My maternal great grandmother came from Scotland, you know."

"I can tell," said the gallant doctor, "there's a timbre to your voice that tells of Celtic origins. Why …"

"And you must be Agent Gibbs," said Celeste smoothly overriding Ducky, "how are you? I'm sorry your weekend has been disrupted in this way."

Gibbs wasn't often lost for words but Celeste's elegance and beauty astounded him. She smiled, she was used to this reaction from people.

"Why don't we sit down and you can tell me what happened."

The hard-bitten MCRT sat down obediently and, somewhat incoherently, told Celeste the story of Tony's visit to the Sci-Fi convention. She sighed a velvety sigh as they finished,

"So, if I hadn't been held up at the library, none of this would have happened."

"The library?" gasped McGee, thankfully in a lower tone than before.

"Why yes, I'm assistant head librarian at the South East Library."

"You're a _librarian_?" asked Palmer.

"Yes," said Celeste and, for the first time, a hint of steel sounded beneath the velvet.

"But you do extreme yoga," said Abby.

"The two are not incompatible," said Celeste with yet more steel.

"So what happened this morning?" asked Gibbs, "to prevent you meeting Tony?"

"Oh," said Celeste warmly, "Mrs James had laryngitis so I had to step in and read the children's stories at Reader Bugs' club."

"You read stories to children?" gasped Abby.

Celeste nodded and Abby hugged her, "I think I love you," she said.

"And where did you meet Tony?" asked Gibbs, curious despite himself.

"When he came to renew his library card," said Celeste.

"Tony has a library card?" asked McGee, unfortunately squeaking again.

"A very well used one," said Celeste, "it's one of the things that attracted me to him."

They all gaped at her. Tony's beautiful, elegant, _librarian _girlfriend_._

The silence was broken by the appearance of a nurse,

"Is there someone called Celeste here for Mr DiNozzo?"

Celeste rose to her perfect feet and seemed to float across the room.

"Yes, I'm here."

She followed the nurse out, leaving the others almost gasping for air.

"A librarian," said McGee, "Tony dating a librarian."

"Wish you'd renewed your library card, do you, Tim?" asked Gibbs drily.

"She seems a very _nice_ girl," said Ducky in a pleased voice, "she'll be so good for Anthony."

As silence fell once more as they all pictured, in their various ways, Celeste being good for Tony, they heard Tony's voice.

"They've given me some pain killers. I get a bit loopy sometimes when I take them. My inhib … my inbih … I sometimes don't know what I'm doing."

"Ohhh," said Celeste in a long, velvety drawl, "that sounds absolutely wonderful!"

McGee coughed and left the room at a run.

"Let's go," said Gibbs, "I think Tony's in safe hands."

"If you say so, Jethro, if you say so," said Ducky, "although your definition of safe might be rather different to mine."

* * *

_OK - so there was a Sci-Fi convention near where I live (which I didn't go to!) and I wondered what Tony would get up to at one. I'm not a librarian (or elegant or beautiful) so this is not wish fulfilment!_


End file.
